Wall Street and Me

I've spent everyday this week trying to figure out how I will answer the question; who do I "think" I am. It wasn't just the question alone that had me stomped but more how, who I am or "think" I am is connected, reflected, influenced or affected by the media. Was it meant from a personal perspective, a social perspective, or a career perspective? I've tried asking everyone around me who I am. I soon came to the conclusion that I couldn't figure out who I was without knowing what those around me saw me by. I know you're suppose to figure out for yourself who you are and not base it on what others think of you. But in this society where technology controls just about everything it's hard not to depend on what others expect you to be or what media is telling you to be or what your peers think you are, to influence what you think of yourself.

My first answer to this question as I sat in class was I'm a woman in the financial industry, but it sounded so boring. The truth is, it's the first thing I classify myself as for many reasons. The financial industry is a male dominated industry making it so difficult to find women who have actually been successful in the industry. I want to believe with all my heart that I will be one of them but everyday I find myself more and more discouraged from it. Being one of twenty women in a company of 180 people is really difficult and not to add that I'm the only Latina in an American brokerage firm. I came into the company with high hopes of becoming successful being given an opportunity to grow and succeed and to make my family proud of having such an accomplished daughter and granddaughter but I find that two years later I'm still in the same position. I'm watching everyone else around me grow and move up and it's truly upsetting that I'm not. I work on a trading floor surrounded by men all day and as much as I want to believe society has moved pass racism and sexism it is here at this American company that I've seen all those things more than ever. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to speak poorly about the company or the people that work there. There are so many good employees and people that I've meet.  But it is here that I've come to see more than ever how a certain group of people that have been raised in a different culture than myself can be so close-minded. It's as if their behavior comes to them naturally. I'm not specifically speaking about a certain person but more about the culture of the industry and the company I work for.

I remember the first time that someone made me feel like I was different. I had just started working there and people were already labeling me with stereotypes and trying to figure me out. I remember one guy approaching me and asking me where I was from, when I answered "Queens" he responded with, "no, where were you born?" and again I responded "Queens, born and raised". He said, "Oh I guess that's where your accent is from. I thought you were born somewhere else." so I said, "No I'm American born and so is my mother but my father is born in Colombia" and his next response was "So are you related to Pablo Escobar?" Why is it always like this? Everywhere I go people automatically assume that I'm not American and when they find out my dad's Colombian they automatically associate me with Pablo Escobar. At first I use to take it as a joke I remember in high school I joked about it a lot with my friends but they were all Latinos so I felt that it was okay.  Now that I'm older it's not the same and when I hear the same joke over and over and it's coming from a white male in finance it's become offensive. I don't know if this makes sense but I feel like I'm being labeled and not in a positive way. I hate that all the stereotypes and labels I get never seem to be positive. Another one I often get when I tell people that my nationality is Ecuadorian or Colombian people usually respond with "Oh my nanny is Ecuadorian or I knew a Colombian woman she was our maid". Like I said before I know that these people aren't intentionally trying to offend me and even when it does hurt me I don't show it. I either laugh it off or smile but in reality I hate that I can't seem to find a good female Latina role model in this industry and I'm starting to look for a way out of it. 

In the financial industry and working on a trading floor you come to hear so many sexist comments between the guys. They seem to find it funny and I'm truly not any sort of feminist, but I can't help to feel at times that their comments are rude. The way they speak of their ways or the expectations they seem to have from women or how they question the married women that still don't have kids as if they're doing something wrong for not wanting kids. It all seems to circle around a certain idea or image they have of women and it's not right. It appears that a lot of these men can afford to have a one income household and their wives stay at home with their children so they don't seem to know how to respond to women who work and don't have kids or single women who they constantly question about their love life. Even though all these comments always come off as jokes I feel like it shouldn't be a joke and I shouldn't be laughing, but sometimes I just want to be accepted and be one of the guys. It a really tough position to be in. There really should be no reason for me to feel pressured to have a child if I'm trying to focus on my career and that to me isn't a joke. 

A few years ago I thought I had it all figured out. I knew that I wanted to major in economics and work in the financial industry. Now I'm not so sure anymore and I feel as if I'm starting all over. I am a senior and I've spent the last five years working in this industry. I should be finding my career job but I can't seem to figure out what that is anymore. It doesn't seem to matter that I've had great internship with big corporations because I'm still only an assistant. I currently work on a trading floor and at first that use to excite me. I thought it would be a great start to my career growth. In reality I am only everyone's administrative/personal assistant but my real wish is to be able to sit beside them and assist with trades. Although each day I can feel that wish becoming less real.