Living Life One Observation at a Time.

Who do I think I am?

I find the wording of this question to be very interesting. It's not asking me to define myself the way that I actually am (whichever way that is) it's asking me about the way that I perceive myself. Well, my perception of myself changes; sometimes on a weekly basis, sometimes daily. My perception of myself alters based on who I am with, what I am doing, my mood etc., and I find that most of the thoughts I have about myself are in direct contradiction of one another. For instance, I think of myself to be quite hard working when it comes to academics, but a lot of the time I find myself in front of the tv procrastinating my life away. I also like to think of myself as this tough, jaded, no-nonsense kind of chick who can see through people's personas and quickly assess situations. But once again I often remind myself of the times where I am completely vulnerable and hurt by people's capacity to disregard one another. In fact, I've often described myself as a "bleeding heart" who feels compassion toward people and situations, and is eager to help as many people as I can.

So who would win in a battle between the Desiree who was born and raised in the Boogie Down Bronx and the Desiree who cries watching ASPCA commercials? Why does either one of them have to win at all? Why can't i just be one person one day and a different one the next? I've come to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as a "true self." I am emotional and needy. I am determined and driven. I am strong and I am weak. I am loving and I am bitter. I am understanding and I am stubborn. I am inconsistent and multi-faceted. I struggle with the fact that I cannot control everything. I am a bleeding heart who wishes she could change the world. I am passionate and I am lazy. I am learning how to coexist with myself, within myself and the first step is to acknowledge all of these things.

Confused? I never said I was ordinary.